I’m not quite sure where the talented writers of “This Is Us” are going with the storyline of beloved couple Beth and Randall Pearson, but they sure have a lot of us talking and reflecting and rooting for the couple (well, we do know now after the Tuesday, April 2 episode…but this is still a relevant topic).

I spent much of Wednesday morning (the morning after the Tuesday, March 26 show that was dedicated fully to this couple’s first date through their courtship, their wedding and some snapshots of what led up to this massive blow out) perusing Facebook to see what my friends were saying. They had a mouthful. And most women—whether married or single—could relate to Beth.

The Background (Y’all can skip this if you know the story)

A little background for those of you who may not watch this epic show—(although you’re missing a treat). Beth and Randall have been married for several years; they have two daughters (one close to teen years and a younger one). They are also in the process of adopting another teen; Randall himself was adopted into the Pearson family when he was left at the door of a firehouse as a newborn. Turns out the Pearsons had been planning for triplets, but only two of their babies survived. So the White couple decided to open their hearts and home to the little Black boy who was born right around the time as their twins. The entire show revolves around the Pearson family—growing up as “triplets,” the kids and parents finding their way, and the kids growing into adults and how their childhood impacted them. The Pearson triplets are now 36 and dealing with their own set of issues while reflecting on their childhood and their parents’ issues.

Enter the recent episode. Beth and Randall are at a serious crossroads. Beth has been a rather traditional mother and working woman. She’s had a seemingly successful career and has managed to work with her husband well to raise their kids. But, Beth has always seemed to put others before her needs; Randall’s biological father William (brilliantly played by Ron Cephas Jones) even alluded to this big fight when he told her to put herself first several epis ago. After being laid off from her job, Beth has struggled to find herself and figure out what her next act will be. After several episodes of her wrestling and one where we get to see her mama, played by the phenomenal Phylicia Rashad, we see Beth had a passion for dance. But after her father’s death and a few other challenges, the young high school senior’s mother talked her into pursuing something with a more secure future (common conversation between parents and children at this age). So, Beth hung up her ballet shoes and went to college and studied architecture. As life would happen, she and Randall were one of a few Black co-eds at the school and the rest is history—or played out in This Is Us.

So Randall…and I must say I love how Sterling Brown portrays this serious, smart, corny, great dad, brother, son and husband role…is a complex one. He’s an achiever. He’s a great cheerleader for the kids and Beth (the couple has fist bumped before a big presentation or interview). Randall quickly understands when she needs to drop everything and rush to her mother’s side in Washington, D.C. He quizzes the young one on spelling; bonds quickly with the adopted daughter. He seems perfect. And most of his life, he has been treated as a favorite son; his mom admits it was “easy” to raise him and she often leans on him. He’s that kid (and just so cute as a young boy). And adorable boys can grow up to be adorable men who expect the same treatment they received from doting mothers–without even recognizing what they are expecting (or do they?). Randall has led a successful career as a commodities trader until he doesn’t. Apparently a financial savvy couple with a hefty savings account, he and Beth have been able to live without his regular job for a while. And when he sees issues in a community where his biological father once lived, what does he do? Randall convinces his wife, they buy the building and he subsequently runs for city councilman in the area.

As a doting father and husband, he doesn’t make such a move without Beth’s consent. At one point he even says if she needs him to back out of the councilman’s race, he will…and when that time comes, he refuses even though his winning looks like a long-shot. Of course, he does win the seat and Beth is furious, but she stands by his side.

However, Beth has also discovered what she wants to do…and that is teach dance, which will require her to be away from the house some nights, which conflicts with the councilman’s work in a district in Pennsylvania (they live in Jersey…so he has a commute).

The Dilemma

What should they do? Who should give in? They need child care, which is not inexpensive and neither of them is pulling down the salaries they once made. The girls are at a critical age (Tess has alluded to liking girls, while Randall and Beth have lovingly promised to always support her and help her navigate through whatever she decides, and the adopted daughter Deja wants to see her mom…). Randall thinks it is just not the time for Beth to pursue her “passion” project and in an unfortunate and stressful moment, he even says she is just teaching middle age housewives to twirl.

To be fair, Beth takes an awful shot at Randall in another heated discussion about the issue. She reminds him of his anxiety attacks and how she has been right by his side through each of them. Low blow. Arguments with this type of passion and language rarely yield desired results.

I’m in the middle of this fight, feeling torn like I am a Pearson.

Why I Get It

But I get it…every bit of it. Women have long been seen as the ones who sacrifice for the family. We work the jobs where we can get off and pick up the kids; men are the “back ups” (at least in my home and in the home I grew up in). It is expected that mama is there; it is nice if daddy is. And I get that everything will not be 50/50…some advice my mom shared at my sister’s bridal shower and I’ve kept buried in my heart (she was preparing me to be a wife even though she died before I said “I do”). Nope, we can’t split this marriage thing straight down the middle. There will be some times when I’m giving more and there will be some times he is giving more. And I’ve learned that those times are measured differently depending on who is giving more and depending on who is measuring.

So what do you do? Especially when you want to be with your partner; you’ve vowed to work it out, but you’re at an impasse?

I have nothing for you. But I can say what I’ve done and observed others do. You do the best you can. Sometimes that will mean sucking up and delaying your dreams; other times it will mean refusing to say yes to everyone and going for what you want, knowing some things will fall and some folks will be mad. I don’t always choose me first but I’ve learned sometimes I have to. There will be ramifications; I may feel guilty; someone won’t make a dance lesson or a party or something, but hopefully, we will all survive.

If you want to be in relationship, sacrifice will be required. I choose to focus on the goodness we are creating more than what is required of me (today and when I’m healthy); and when I find it especially hard to be in this place, I use it as a signal that I need to say “yes” to myself a little more. A night out at a play recently did it for me; a week-long girl’s trip to celebrate a friend’s birthday did it; realizing my husband’s job with the long hours makes my freelance style possible (because he has health care) usually does it.

But, there’s one thing I’ve learned for sure: this is a balancing act. And I must constantly juggle and not forget myself as I support those I have committed to love and cherish.